I’m feeling a little…
Lost; like I can’t find my way…
I’m feeling a little…
Like these days aren’t my days…
I’m feeling a little…
Sad; like my Wolf is going away…
Again I feel myself lost in the sea of despair, adrift on the raft of loneliness; I cannot quite seem to find my way with this…this Wolf.
It is not that he is difficult; I fear, it may just be too easy… too easy…
I am without a clear thought as I amble through Life listlessly, going through motions, hellos, goodbyes, yeses, nos like an automaton….
Why have I become this way?
It is because of the draining I have endured, the draining of my ‘Life’.
I no longer care about tomorrow, I no longer care about…today:
I no longer care about…anything, really…
…what is there, anymore?
Anything? Ah, maybe…
But will I ever find that something?
….That remains the question ever present, like a bareness of the earth after an unnatural occurrence.
Will I really ever know??
…(smile)
My purpose is not to make you feel like a God or Goddess;
I am here about my own doings.
You are more than welcome to go over to the left there,
And Freud yourself….
lol :}
I wonder all the time, when we aren’t speaking, if you even know what is going through your mind?
Do you even know yourself: what you actually think about…anything?
Do you even know yourself: if you actually care about me….like you say you do?
Do you even know yourself: if the way you claim to be…is the way you actually are?
DO you even know???
I mean, “Life is what you make it”, and “Life is what it is” as they say
But, do you even know what you’ve made of yours? What it is?
You act extremely insulted when I present you with what you presented to me…
That doesn’t make any sense, Wolf;
You being insulted suggests you’re not comfortable with the presentation you made
….which makes you the liar I pegged you to be, uh
Your reasoning for your presentation, as given to me, also makes no sense
As it suggests that everyone should simply “Drink Pepsi ‘cause Coca-Cola has too much gas!”
You saying that suggests that you are incapable of facing challenges, of any type, and therefore are the liar I pegged you to be…
All in all, Wolf, I’ve realized that you present yourself in a way that is farr, farr removed from the way that you actually are…
That is, if you even know yourself..
And it is really unfair of you to accuse me of things when you have no absolute idea about your own self…
I feel like I’m being punished because you’ve developed feelings for me that you’re trying to avoid, crush, smother, ignore and deny because they do not lend credibility to the presentation…which has nothing to do with me, Wolf.
You made your presentation, you deal with the fall out now…
I refuse to fall victim to your unabashed discord at wanting that cold, fizzy Coca-Cola after swearing an oath to the Pepsi Gods…
You made the presentation, Wolf;
Keep going over the slides, or add new ones to fluff up the content.
Either way Wolf, I’m not going to take anymore punishment from you…
….I’m tired
How do I find the strength to deal with you?
How do I move on from the love I have for you?
How do I leave you in the past?
How do I get you out of my heart?
I feel so lost without you near
But the hurt you cause me I can no longer bear
I love you Wolf forever more I love you and I hate you
And I wish we could stop these fights…
The truth a liar knows is little,
As he is incapable of comprehending truth;
He is a product of lies.
He has no True emotions:
Everything he projects is unreal.
The sanity of his insanity is untruth…
There is no direct path with him;
Everything is a game of deceit…
…And ugly lies I am unable to ingest anymore of this poison…
…I just cant
The lines are strewn…
Nothing is as it should be….
Again, you behave like the Victor
And treat me like the Villain
Perhaps I am the Villain…
Perhaps I am in the wrong and you are perpetually in the light…
…Perhaps you are full of shit?
I think you quite frankly are and you need a great laxative…
I am really…
Really
Really
REALLY
Tired….of you and your inability to see anyone or anything other than
Yourself…
Narcissistic bastard…
I swear, you absolutely drive me to the point of wishing some kind of horrible
Horrible thing on you…
….I swear
Leave me alone, won’t you Wolf?
….less lies for you to tell and for me to remind you of
…always lying to me…
……….always
I am so tired of the people I live with….
That insufferable word that falsely labels them- “Family”
I wish I could return myself to my sender almost every time I have enough free space in my mind to think about the situation….
Why is it one can encounter so many ill-minded and awful people in such a short span of life??
Why is it that one is made to endure insufferable and unmentionable atrocities in such a meaningless span of life??
Why has fate seen fit to pummel repeatedly the head and heart of one from a time when they were to young to understand and still yet as they become self aware and are now broken and haunted by past actions and in actions, situations, people, feelings and encounters???
Life is cruel…
There are too many…too many instances of utter disrespect, degradation and suppression…much too many of them…
They create a one who is left with nothing; nothing of the heart, mind or soul.
A one who is but a stained and damaged figment of a shattered imagination; a one who brings forth nothing but death, lies, hurt, pain and anger….
What life is this?
What life is this that is so cruel; so cruel as to appear serene.
A life that alludes phantasmagorias….
Surreal and ultimately disastrous events that cement what the one knows to be a true to ‘life’ fact: there is no happy ending for this one…
Life will remain as decadently abominable and insidious as it is; those of the outside who look in and diagnose that “Things will get better” have not the closest fathom as to what they speak…
There is no getting better; there is complete subjugation and there is death.
The only choice is which the one chooses to relent to first…
Once and Again
End and Begin
Unknown and Akin;
My heart forever breaks….
I am…overwhelmed by the complexities of life and the tumultuous cacophony of intense emotion that accompanies my relationship with Wolf…
I mean…is a friendship supposed to be this fiendishly volatile?
Up and down, round and round, day and night, hugs then fights….
It is ridiculous…
Thankfully, things are somewhat calm right now…somewhat, because I am having feelings of discomfort with him and thus I believe he is a jackass (even though he may not presently be….perhaps) and I am not going to try to figure it out because I absolutely know it will degrade into argument and discord…
Sigh…
Once and Again
My thoughts are askew;
I am not in the position
To fully understand you.
Your brooding, aloof and tyrannical ways
Are becoming more present
With each passing day.
I wish to have things
As calm and comfortable as they can be
So I’m going to step back
To let you be you right now
And to let my heart be free…
We’ve come so far and yet we still remain in the same place; nothing works between us and everything breaks….
For reasons beyond my simple female brain to comprehend, Wolf and I are back at odds…again….for the hundredth time…Sighs
I do not know what to do anymore; I’ve tried talking to him, but that doesn’t seem to work because he has changed. He isn’t the Wolf he was yesterday (that’s for sure, cause we spoke last night and he wasn’t the jackass he was this morning…) I know I am not the same person I was to him and that’s because of numerous undertones that have run a mock of our relationship…. My responses to his actions and his lack of responding to mine etc.
I wonder now, what am I to do? I can’t say we because he is completely unreasonable right now and I am in no mood for his abuse (he gets really pissy and says really hurtful things…as do I at times) This is getting old and I don’t like it; I really wish he could say/do something so I can know how to avoid these situations without having to take a friggin’ sabbatical from our friendship (he’s my, well he’s supposed to be my best male friend :s….) so that he calms down and I’m so overwhelmed I can’t function and things resemble normal…
What I wouldn’t give to have a fix it spray for life….
On this night, when the moon was brightest
And fullest and biggest in the sky,
The little black cat steadily, cautiously and
Anxiously made her way towards the cliff top.
Sitting, his back rigid and ears perked,
The wolf pup looked out over the ocean;
As the little cat got closer,
He inched around a bit making a space for her beside him.
She sat quietly, folding her tail about her paws;
Their furry shoulders brushed at their closeness.
The only sound to be heard,
The crashing of the waves against the beach…
This is the start of (well a random back story to really) something I want to do, which I currently call ‘Canis Lupus/Panthera Pardus’. Tells the story of a wolf and black cat, an unlikely pair but friends non the less. I would love to see how this unfolds, wouldn’t you?
