I want to call you
I want to text
I want to message
Meet…
I miss you:
You are my greatest temptation.
My heart?
My love…
My everything…?
My greatest joy,
My biggest weakness…
My most painful experience..
My one
My only…?
Temptation..
Nothing is as it seems anymore.
Everything is…a lie.
I can’t trust the things I hear,
The things I have been lead to believe..
Are all false.
Fake.
Fabrications.
Is it, really?
Can they really have been meant?
Could they have been true?
I don’t think so…
How could they?
Why say things,
Strong things,
Lasting things…
And not mean them?
What kind of game are you playing?
With me?
With my heart?
My feelings?
I’ll never understand
The need some ‘people’ have
To manipulate,
To hurt,
Scar,
Break,
Others…
I don’t understand because
It is not in my nature;
I don’t understand because
It is not what I want for you…
What is it,
To be in love and to love?
To be hurt and to hurt?
To want and to be unwanted?
What is it,
To have and to hold?
To live and to learn?
To feel and care
Yet be alone?
What is…
This existence?
So cold and unforgiving..
So unknown yet familiar..
So barren..so desolate..
Yet an oasis;
To my pain
To my sufferance,
My hurt,
Tears,
Joy,
Sorrow,
Love…love
Love…
My love…
What is my love…?
For you,
For me,
For us…?
What is it that you want from me?
From us?
From this?
My heart? I gave it.
My tears? I shed it.
My joy? I felt it.
What is it that you need?
My soul? You stole it.
My love? You sold it.
And now I am but a shadow
…of me..
What is…me?
Me
Me
Me…I…You…We…
We were something then,
Are we nothing now?
I am…
I was…
I will be…
…nothing.
Empty inside;
Desolate.
My existence,
What does it mean?
To love?
To be loved?
No.
To hurt,
To be hurt.
To die
Inside;
Slowly,
Maliciously…
Unceremoniously,
Severed
By your lies.
Your greed,
Your deceit;
Your hatefulness towards me.
My ignorance to your pain;
My ignorance,
My pain…
My heart.
…I am not what I once was,
Nor will I ever be…?
Perhaps, one day,
One decade,
One lifetime,
From now, I may…
Feel again;
Believe again,
Breathe again.
Live again,
Love again;
…Be loved again,
………By you.
Have you ever tasted a lie?
Rolled it around on your tongue?
Kissed it?
Licked it?
Swallowed it?
Mmmm, I tell you…
It is decedant;
Uniquely flavoured by
Trust,
Love,
Care,
Heart…
All the good ingredients of a relationship.
And Lies are pretty cheap too;
You can get a Little White Lie for free
But some actually…
Some Lies,
Really cost a lot.
They tend to cost the same things they taste of:
They cost your Trust,
Love, Care and
Are known to break hearts
Into tiny fragments.
I even heard that they can incinerate hearts
AND feelings too!
Wow, yeah, Lies are some serious things…
Be careful when using them;
The high is great,
And the ramifications last…
Well, most times, they last
A lifetime…
I feel so broken inside
Outside I smile, my usual smile
I laugh my usual laugh
I speak my usual words…
But can you hear my sorrow?
See the pain in my eyes?
Do you know that inside
I slowly die?
I always cry?
I’m alone,
I’m hurt,
I’m broken?
I love too easily;
I give myself too much.
I’m always used and abused
Then abandoned like trash…
Am I rubbish?
Worthless?
Useless?
No, I’m not…
You need me;
You need someone to hurt,
You need someone to laugh at,
Someone who won’t fight you,
Someone who loves you,
Someone who cares,
You need me..
Because I’ve been broken for so many years
And you see it,
You smell it on me:
The fear,
The self loathing,
The hope that this time would be different;
The plea that this time I will be loved in return,
Cared for, wanted..
But all I am is broken,
And that’s all I ever will be.
Mr. M. Patty, why do you play these games?
Pretending you know of
Or can feel anyone’s pain?
Acting like you’re the bestest of friends
The most articulate,
The most learned,
The most intelligent of friends?
The most manliest of men?
The most friendliest acquaintance?
Pliable companion?
Layman’s politician?
Lawyer, adviser, doctor, priest and husband?
Please
Spare me your ego,
Mr. M. Patty
Your ID is on the fritz
And you need some Freudian tutelage.
I am no longer foolish to your
Vile and corrupted ways;
I refuse to again become your
Most used and played with case.
Go on now,
Away from me,
Away from here;
Nobody needs you, Mr. M. Patty
We’re all adults here…
I give you my everything
And you give me nothing;
Everything I do is wrong
And nothing I do is ever enough…
So why don’t I stop?
Why don’t I go?
Why don’t you leave?
Like everyone else before?
Why are you here?
Why do you care?
Why do I want you?
…why do I need you?
Why are you everything?
To me
And why am I nothing?
To you…
Tempted as I always am
To fall into old beliefs;
This time, though I am almost there
I will give my mind a needed release.
The Things that like to dwell inside,
Cavorting while contorting all the good:
Will be killed as brutally
As any misdeed rightfully should.
Things that are bleak and angry and vile
Things that only wish to spoil
The simple joys in my life;
Evil things and many things
That I do not wish to name,
I simply want to throw them all
And be free of the endless,
Tiresome games…
Why is it a constant struggle for this to work?
Things should be easy, we’re both adults;
We know what we want,
We can communicate…
Why is there a need to be so….distant?
So cold, unassuming?
It is hard for me to trust you…
It shouldn’t be that way;
But it is…
I don’t trust you, I can’t.
…I can’t.
I want to, but you won’t let me;
You don’t talk to me,
You don’t include me,
You…ignore me too often…
I think you have someone else:
Why won’t you admit it?
Or tell me what’s going on?
Things shouldn’t be this way…
I love you;
I thought you loved me too…
I want you to;
Why can’t we talk about this?
